Diligently

I am diligent in my quest to find some peace. I mean peace in my head. I have been going to church every Sunday except one. I feel good about the progress of that. I had a nice chat with the bishop last Sunday. He was very encouraging.

I gave in to my addiction yesterday and today. I feel like I'm weak because of it. I have overcome addictions before and I realize that it may take some time for me to stop all together.

I feel good today. The voices are quiet and he music is nowhere. AH the peace and quiet of our "fortress of solitude."

Peace,

Dave

my selfishness

In one of the talks yesterday the Brother spoke about how pornography is addictive.
I am addicted. I am selfish in that. I am doing spirtual harm to myself and harming Margaret and I's marriage. I love my wife I truly do. I have to be honest about what I am doing. I do not want to harm her or me. I will battle this addiction. I WILL!!

the message

I went to church yesterday. I felt alright. I sit in in the middle of the pew, in the second to last. I sat there alone for some time. I always do. I didn't cry that much. The bishop saluted me from the front. He's disappointed in me. I don't blame him.

Being alone is of my own doing. I sat there hoping someone will sit near me. One of the Elders did come and sit by me. Elder Ludlow. He said he and Elder Taylor stopped by twice last week. It must have been during one of our shopping trips. I am grateful for their visits. It helps recharge me.

I am hearing voices recite the scriptures in my head. I will accept that for now.

The talks were on forgiveness. One woman was talking about this friend who left the church. I can so relate to her. I don't think I have forgiven myself despite what I think. I must forgive, so that I can forgive others.

On the way home I was praying. I prayed for strength and patience. I am a patience man, but I am sad that I can't "feel" the love that the Lord brings. Church is supposed to be a happy place. I leave feeling guilt and saddness. I will let time decide.

I will continue to go to church. I will continue to pray and read the Gospel. I will work on stopping my addiction.

Going to church is easy. Talking to others is where I fall short.

I know the church is true. I know there is a prophet that leads the church and speaks with God.
I say these in the name of Jesus Christ..Amen.

I weep

I weep for the sins I knowingly commit. I feel unworthy of God's blessings.

I just got done praying and reading the Gospel. After my prayer I felt uplifted and blessed. The key to this is to be honest and trustworthy. I need Heavenly Father's blessings and help to manage this load I carry. The voices are telling me to stop and that I am a filthy man. They say that God cannot possibly love me. I will try. I will try harder.

Margaret and Kyle do not believe the church will help me. I will prove them wrong. I believe the church is true. I believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I believe that there's is a prophet today that leads and educates me. I believe that one day this addiction will not be important and that the gulit I carry will be lifted.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen.

still slipping

I am still slipping and it worries me. I have extreme guilt. The guilt is huge. I am weak and deeply troubled.

I was hoping that going back to church will help. I know it will take time. I keep stumbling. How am I ever gonna break this addiction? I stopped for 4 days and have acted it out since. I hate this. It gives me the guilt.

I need to find other things to do. Is it possible to control? I think it is. Its just that I have a hard time with this. SEE? Now I'm making excuses.

Its Sunday and I plan on going to church. I will sit alone and talk to very few. They are good people and I am not.

I need help. I now not where to go for it or to whom. I am alone and it eats at me.

Dave

I slipped

Yesterday was a good day at church. I saw my grandson. I stayed the full three hours. I talked to the Bishop, but ran out. He offered to let me borrow some old radio shows. I ran out before he gave them. I regret that. His was kind and helpful.

Dave

time rages forth

Yesterday we went to see my son and granddaughter. Everything was going fine.

My son then started the fire about me going back to church. He scoffed at me. Attacking me with his vengeanceful venom. Margaret soon followed.

During the attacks I kept still. I made a promise to Margaret that I won't preach to her. Despite the fact she was preaching against me.

On the way home I was silent. I didn't know what to say or do. After we got home for a bit I opened up. I spoke of how I was "cast out" yet did nothing to stop it. I told Margaret that if she doesn't preach against me, that I will not preach to her.

She calls herself the "devil woman." I am hurt by her words and the venom of my son.

I haven't anyone to talk to about these matters. I am alone with my internal conflict. I was extremely upset over this ordeal.

A few hours later the doorbell rang. It was the Elders. Margaret says its your friends. They came at a good time. I needed to hear the Gospel.

After they left Margaret asked if they were gonna keep coming around. I replied yes. She also asked if they were gonna keep coming alot. I replied I hope so.

I love Margaret. She's the first person I ever loved.

She's worried that the church will come between us. I hope it doesn't but I cannot accept her attacks.

I told Margaret that by my going to church it will strengthen our marriage.

I stand alone. I weep for that. I am wounded and afraid.

I know the Gospel will bring me joy. I will continue with my readings, prayers and studies.

I will endure to the end.

David

Today's the day

I am doing good on changing my habit and morning routine. Its hard and still fresh in my mind.

Tomorrow I will stay the full 3 hours at church. I've read at least 5 minutes since last Wed. In fact I read a chapter everyday. It takes me longer to read because I like to absorb the words.

My mind is stiil in conflict and doubt. I tell myself that this is what's been missing in my life. I also think that I will stop going after awhile. I don't want to stop. I want to endure to the end.

I know that Heavenly Father will give me joy. I hope that I can feel the love that He gives.

I am determined to move forward and continue to learn and to grow.

Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me the chance to repent and become whole.

I sat these in the name of Jesus Christ...Amen

woke with the church

Just before I woke this morning I had a dream about the church. More specifically the passing of the Sacrament. It was a nice dream. It brought the Lord into my morning thoughts. The first thing I did today, I read another chapter of the Gospel and prayed to Heavenly Father.

I look forward to going to church on Sunday. Staying for the classes will be a struggle. I'm good at handling adversity. I'm not used to asking for help. I think I can get through anything on my own. How blind that is. I am not Heavenly Father and for that matter not very educated in the Gospel.

I have a fear of the unknown. I want to be a good man all around. The song lyric "do what's right and let the consquences follow" will be my guide. The other lyric "I may not know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been" is gonna once again help me.

Music is a huge part of my life. In my younger years it was my place to run when the home chaos got to be too much. That's why I choke up when singing the hymns. It brings joy and saddness at the same time.

I'm going to leave this for now. I may write more later.

God bless,

Dave

The Church

I have just started to go back to church. Its been 20+ years since I last went. I am gonna make this a better try then my 1st attempt.

My mind is polluted, my soul is yearning. I need to feel connected.

I haven't much contact outside my marriage. I looked for months to find people that I could socialize with. I thought of the church as a possible place to meet people and learn the Gospel.

I am a child. I feel weak and unlearned. I believe that going back to church will help me. That's the thing I never reach out for help. I am always the one helping. Is that selfish? I am willing to change and to learn.

The elders have been here twice now. I enjoy their message. Yesterday I told them that I wasn't getting a good feeling when I'm at church and that I want to cry. That feeling comes about because I feel so badly about the sins I've committed. They asked me if I ever injured myself. I told them I had. They then asked how long it took to heal. I said weeks. They said that's its the same with the Gospel. It will take time.

I am making a committment to read one chapter a day, first thing in the morning. I started to do that this morning. I am also going to stay at church for the classes after Sacrament.

I am not the same man I was when I first joined the church. I have more emotions, I'm more mature, at least in my manhood, my drive is stronger, my passion burns brighter, my vision clearer.

I felt this urge to repent. These things I hide are killing me. I don't like the man I am. I feel dirty and unworthy. That is all gonna change.

I know it will take time. Much like my blogging on other sites. I started out slow and eventually got to the point where I must write everyday.

My goal is to read one chapter every morning and stay at church for the full 3 hours and pray more often.

I am grateful for the opportunity to worship and to have fellowship in the church. I pray that Heavenly Father will forgive me of my sins and to take them away.

This is the beginning of a new life and the end of an old one. I am unsure where this will take me, but I am willing to stay long enough to find out.