I slipped

Last night I indulged in my addiction. I was really upset after. I knew it before I did it.

The missionaries were here today and we talked about the Priesthood and what I am allowed to do. It was a nice chat with them. This weekend is the Stake Conference. I'm looking forward to it.

I've been reading the scriptures and praying. I am now praying in the afternoon. I am also cutting back talking poorly of others. I get sucked in so easily. Progress.

David

A goal achieved

On Sunday March 14, 201o I was ordained as a Priest in the Aaronic Priesthood in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I have never felt this good before. I was filled with the Spirit. I have never felt anything that powerful before.

I pray first thing and read scripture everyday. I am going to keep a phrase or verse in my mind to guide me throughout the day. I am mindful of what I put in my mind. My muisc choices are totally opposite of what I used to listen too.

I am now working on what I eat. Lately however I have been an eating machine. Today I will be more mindful of what I ingest.

Michael, my brother, has come around. He is happy to see me and I him. I prayed for him and my prayers were answered. Thank you Heavenly Father.

I am volunteering at a mental health outpatient facility from the state hospital. My duties include socializing with the people. I work Tuesdays and Fridays. This past Tuesday, (yesterday) I prayed for the confidence to reach out more. I also prayed to be more grateful and loving. The Elders were here last week and I was whiny to them. The lesson they gave was about Alma and how he felt burdened with his calling. The Lord helped lift his burdens. I wanted to feel good there. I hadn't a couple of times. It went well. I was very blessed to be a help for them. Thank you Heavenly Father for the blessings and lifting my burdens.

The other day I picked up the garbage along the street.

David

The Spirit

The spirit of the Lord filled me up. I was asked if I could say an opening prayer. I said yes. I sat thinking of what to pray for. I decided to let the spirit guide me. I said a brief prayer. The feeling I had was great. I felt light. The burdens were gone. I felt like I was gonna collapse.

I bore my testimony. Again not knowing what to say. I felt that same feeling of light. I have no doubt that it was the Holy Ghost.

For a long time I wanted to get up and say a prayer. I knew not how it would feel. I was not expecting what I felt.

In the Addiction Recovery Program last night I was struggling. I admittd that I am afraid of success. My mind tells me I am. It also tells me I'm not good enough to succeed in anything. I am learning to say without excess pride that I am good at things. Not everything, but things that are dear to my heart.

I had a nice chat with Margaret. I talked about how I think. I say I am a success and also that I am not. I told her of my voices and my confusion and my inability to relax. I have always had to push myself to prove that I can do anything my heart tells me. It's a competition.

Addictions holding me back

I have an addiction to pornography. It is a dark, evil addiction. It is holding me back. I do not want this in my life. I have "indulged" for so many years that its hard to "unplug" myself from its grip. I am ashamed, guilty, selfish and dirty. I am being hard on because that's how I must do it. I cannot overcome this lightly. I must use every ounce of energy that I can. I cancelled my yahoo account. I will start a new account so I can chat with my father.. only! I have been chatting with a woman for a few months maybe over a year. I am not accusing her of anything. I allowed myself to hang on because of my huge pride and even larger ego. I cannot tell her that I have gotten fond of her and maybe even love her. When I chat with her I lose my ability to restrain myself from sex talk. Those talks are triggers for me. I used her for my own ill gotten gain. The internet is also a trigger. I will only blog here, szconnect, pressconnects and RMH. In the morning I will read scriptures and listen to music. I will blog in the afternoon. I am going to stop watching tv all together. The shows that I watch have sexual tones and cursing. I will also write more in my books. I am cutting out the bad and working towards the good. I know that it will be hard. BUT By limiting the amount of time I spend online I will overcome. Its so easy to access porn online. I must cut out most of my online time. I know I will may get bored. I will find things to do. I like to write. Write I will. Its keeps my mind active and clear. If I am busy I won't have time to surf the porn sites. I always liked this quote... "what you put into your mind, good or bad, comes out in a life.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that Jesus Christ's Atonement is for my sins. If Jesus loved me so much to give up His life for me than I can give up the addiction for Him. This is pray in the name Jesus Christ, amen

not a good thing

I acted in an inapproiate way. I was using bad language and thought it was fun. Showing off is never good. It shows lots of pride and bad judgements. I also did my addiction. I didn't do all of it the tail end of it. It's was a selfish act. I knew before that I would feel crappy after..I was right! The bad language is something I am good at avoiding.

I read in the Book of Numbers where the people of Israel were talking badly about being in the desert. Moses got mad. All the things that the Lord did for them whilein Egypt and in the wilderness went unappreciated. The Lord punished them.

How often have I had good things done and STILL didn't appreciate them. NO more.I will thank God for all things. I will accept the good and fix the bad. I will go to God when I'm sad and when I'm happy.

I pray first thing in the morning and read the Scriptures for an hour. It has gotten to be habit. A good habit.

Peace,

David

Coming around

I haven't written here in quite a long time. I started this blog to talk about my experience with the Church.

Yesterday at church, I was interviewed for the Priesthood. The interview went well. I did however, lie. I wanted so badly to hold this office that I was willing to lie in order to receive it. Lie I did. I will suffer the consequences. I will admit my wrong. I want to be honest. Honesty breeds honesty.

I know a few people that have a mental diagnosis that joined the church that fell away like me. I want this to work so I can help those who fell away. Its hard on us.

My reasons for leaving are vast. My reasons for returning are I wanted friends. I think that was a selfish reason. I didn't make any friends for some time, but I kept going back. I wasn't going to let that stop me. On the way I met some people. More importantly I began to know my Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ.

I have no one to share the joy I feel in church. Margaret doesn't like the idea of me going to church.

I feel like I belong there. I am reaching out of my comfort zone to meet new people. I made a goal to approach one new member each week. I have met that goal each week.

I have been cleaning out my mind by putting good things in. "What you put into your mind comes out in a life." That is my motto. I changed the music I listen to. I read the Scriptures and pray everyday.

If a negative thought or voice enters my mind I shut it immediately. It's amazing that I know as soon as one starts I know what it will say and "push it out" and replace it with a positive thought.

I will try to keep this blog up to date. I want this to be a place where I can be free to write openly and honestly.

David

Diligently

I am diligent in my quest to find some peace. I mean peace in my head. I have been going to church every Sunday except one. I feel good about the progress of that. I had a nice chat with the bishop last Sunday. He was very encouraging.

I gave in to my addiction yesterday and today. I feel like I'm weak because of it. I have overcome addictions before and I realize that it may take some time for me to stop all together.

I feel good today. The voices are quiet and he music is nowhere. AH the peace and quiet of our "fortress of solitude."

Peace,

Dave